St Valentine

This is an advance warning for all those of you out there who want to keep your loved one

a) sweet
b) compliant
c) loving
d) cooking
e) cleaning
f) providing snacks sweets cakes and drinks on long shifts
g) etcetera etcetera etcetera


In 27 - yes 27 - days it is Valentine's Day. If you put a fiver a week away that will be enough to buy

a) a nice card
b) a red rose
c) an easy life for the next year.


Don't say you haven't been told


Helpful Hints


This is not acceptable to most women and would result in






this however would be and would result in

Flowers again. Bought you some at christmas. Have you not still got them? XXX

YOU DID NOT XXXXX

Sorry, you're right, it was your birthday. You not still got those then? XXX

No. Because luckily for you they were real and not plastic, and real ones tend to die

Anyway shouldn't you be getting ready for work?

Oooo, what a good idea. I'll get you some real artificial flowers next time. That way they'll last a lifetime. (Mind you, I may not.) XXX

Well I suppose its a step up from grave robbing. But only a step so don't take this as permission. You know I hate anything fake and plastic XXXXXXXXXX

only ten days to go now

Prefer April 16th myself for this particularly sensitive and understanding being :-

Saint Drogo: Patron Saint of Unattractive People

How'd He Become a Saint?
Drogo's mother died during childbirth, something he felt responsible for because, well he was responsible for it. Because of this he practiced the extreme penance of self flagellation (not to be confused with "X-treme penance", which is slamming a Mountain Dew while surfing a waterfall of lava).
At age 18 he disposed of all property and became a pilgrim, devoting his life to God. Witnesses claim in later life he could magically bilocate (appear in two places at once). This meant he worked the fields and attended Mass simultaneously, miraculously doubling his boredom.
So Why Unattractive People?
During a pilgrimage he was stricken with disease that caused gross deformities. The townsfolk were nice enough to offer him a small cell attached to the church where he wouldn't frighten babies anymore.
Showing an unbelievable amount of self respect he merely survived on water and the Eucharist, and didn't once charge a dollar to let kids peer through the window and throw peanuts at him. 12th century freaks were a classy bunch.
He's also the Patron Saint of coffee houses, presumably because that's where ugly people hang out when "finishing" their novels.
Possible Prayers:
"Oh Saint Drogo, I'm on homecoming court and I don't want a pimple. Could you help me? Preferably by making me look as little like you as possible?"
"So do you make unattractive people hot or just accept themselves for the way they are? Because I'd much rather it be the hot thing."

You is bloody nuts you are

kwak kwak wrote:Prefer April 16th myself for this particularly sensitive and understanding being :-

Saint Drogo: Patron Saint of Unattractive People

How'd He Become a Saint?
Drogo's mother died during childbirth, something he felt responsible for because, well he was responsible for it. Because of this he practiced the extreme penance of self flagellation (not to be confused with "X-treme penance", which is slamming a Mountain Dew while surfing a waterfall of lava).
At age 18 he disposed of all property and became a pilgrim, devoting his life to God. Witnesses claim in later life he could magically bilocate (appear in two places at once). This meant he worked the fields and attended Mass simultaneously, miraculously doubling his boredom.
So Why Unattractive People?
During a pilgrimage he was stricken with disease that caused gross deformities. The townsfolk were nice enough to offer him a small cell attached to the church where he wouldn't frighten babies anymore.
Showing an unbelievable amount of self respect he merely survived on water and the Eucharist, and didn't once charge a dollar to let kids peer through the window and throw peanuts at him. 12th century freaks were a classy bunch.
He's also the Patron Saint of coffee houses, presumably because that's where ugly people hang out when "finishing" their novels.
Possible Prayers:
"Oh Saint Drogo, I'm on homecoming court and I don't want a pimple. Could you help me? Preferably by making me look as little like you as possible?"
"So do you make unattractive people hot or just accept themselves for the way they are? Because I'd much rather it be the hot thing."

LOL. PMSL! You've summed it up Kwak!

You two really should appeal to St Jude in both his capacities coz if one won't help the other one I'm sure will oblige

Where do we go to find this St Judas's capacities, Mags? And I believe he charges 30p a go!!

Kwak, I'm sure that Mags knows all about St John, who played for Liverpool when she was but a slip of a wench.

aye if you can be termed a " slip of " at 21

Please note, the image is in sepia, and that was NOT my doing!
Played for Liverpool 1961-71.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_St_John

I may need St John's when she reads my posting

kwak kwak wrote:I may need St John's when she reads my posting

ST James;s more like!!

I pray that St Vitus infects you both with his malady.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest etc etc etc

mags wrote:I pray that St Vitus infects you both with his malady.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest etc etc etc

First one. Neither of us dance.

SEcond one:
Is that St Ahmed?

Presume she was part Indian
Saint Buriana was a 6th century Irish saint who was a hermit in St Buryan, near Penzance, in the kingdom of Dumnonia.

Buriana ministered from a chapel on the site of the parish church at St Buryan. She is said to have been the daughter of an Irish king and travelled to Dumnonia from Ireland as a missionary to convert the local people to Christianity. One legend tells how she cured the paralysed son of King Geraint of Dumnonia. Baring-Gould identifies her with the Irish Saint Bruinsech.

Buriana's feast day is 1 May
Her Roman cousin was Plenticus Poppadomium

kwak kwak wrote:Presume she was part Indian
Saint Buriana was a 6th century Irish saint who was a hermit in St Buryan, near Penzance, in the kingdom of Dumnonia.

Buriana ministered from a chapel on the site of the parish church at St Buryan. She is said to have been the daughter of an Irish king and travelled to Dumnonia from Ireland as a missionary to convert the local people to Christianity. One legend tells how she cured the paralysed son of King Geraint of Dumnonia. Baring-Gould identifies her with the Irish Saint Bruinsech.

Buriana's feast day is 1 May
Her Roman cousin was Plenticus Poppadomium

That was me in a prevfous life, mate, before I became a man. I still like Biryani!
Is she the patron saint of curry?